7:01 am – Wake up bursting with fruit flavor for the weekend. Ready to party like Shannen Doherty circa 1995!
5:22 pm – Wonder why no one has texted an invitation for drinks. Restart phone.
6:30 pm – Pour wine. Google At what age do you become a Cougar? Erase search history.
6:42 pm – Restart phone.
7:13 pm – Pour more wine. Wonder why wine isn’t served with a Short or Tall option, à la draft beer. Search house for a bigger glass. Settle for an oversize coffee mug. Congratulate self on genius Wine Mug business plan: The Wug.
7:15 pm – Update Facebook status: Friday Night Roxxxx lol jk but at least I have my Wug!© Stalk ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, ex-cheerleaders, ex-roommates, and ex-celebrities to confirm they have all pulled a Val Kilmer.
7:34 pm – Log onto iTunes.
7:35 pm – Tweet Selena Gomez lyrics: Who says you’re not star potential? Who says you’re not Presidential? Does everyone realize this chick is an inspirational genius?
8:06 pm – No Likes on Facebook status. UnFriend 36 people.
8:07 pm – Restart f*#$-ing phone.
8:28 pm – Wine bottle is empty. Take multiple selfies: me + wine bottle, classic duckface, me + The Wug.
8:44 pm – Send a group text to your besties: I Love You Like A Love Song!!!
8:45 pm – Realize that ‘Heidi’ & ‘Hot Doc’ are alarmingly close in your contact list. Your pediatrician is probably staring at his phone and wondering when the 2 of you started dating.
8:46 pm – Change ‘Hot Doc’ to ‘FUN WITH STETHOSCOPE’ in your contacts to prevent future text-barrassment.
9:00 pm – Find The Notebook on ABC Family. Turn off cell phone and throw it in the freezer, because obviously no one will ever love you like Ryan Gosling.
9:22 pm – Retrieve phone from freezer, update Facebook: I’m no beauty queen, I’m just beautiful me! Place phone on pillow right next to head, in case of surprise Notebook-type confessional from Hot Doc.
9:45 pm – Take half an Ambien, turn off TV, and restart your (clearly broken) phone.
© Calling All Cool Moms 2013