You know you’ve played a drinking game at some point in your life. Maybe you recently convinced everyone at a dinner party to play ‘I Never.’ (Hopefully not with a table full of co-workers, because the next morning your confession of streaking across your college campus and being thrown into the back of a police car wearing nothing but a thong tends to go from Will Ferrell-funny to Amanda Bynes-cuckoo.**)
Or maybe you were in a frat house living room, watching Dawson’s Creek, and taking a shot every time Joey pushed her hair behind her ear. (Seriously, Joe? It’s called a hair tie. If your glam squad had invested in one, certain people might not have ended up breaking a front tooth after an unfortunate encounter with a coffee table and spending the night at an emergency Sears Dental clinic so that your parents wouldn’t notice when you went home for Thanksgiving the next day.***)
Unfortunately, once you are a fully-functioning adult and parent, it is frowned upon to watch reruns of 7th Heaven and shoot tequila every time Lucy or Mary is caught making out with a boy (oh, Ruthie, you tattling little scamp!). But not to worry, there is a whole new array of activities that will make you want to pop 2 Excedrin and pray for tomorrow: The Parenting Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.
THE LYING GAME
Kiddo: You got married in 2006? But my birthday is in 2005. Wait a minute… did Daddy only marry you because you had a baby in your belly?
Parent: NOOOOOOOO OF COURSE NOT. WE WERE DEFINITELY IN LOVE. IN LOVE, I SAY! [Note: Clearly my 'tell' when I am lying is lapsing into a very loud, Shakespearean dialect]
THE HUNGER GAMES
Kiddo: Can I have toast for lunch?
Parent: No. You had toast for breakfast.
Kiddo: But I don’t like anything else. Toast is my favorite food and I want to be happy and eat toast all day every day and parents should want their kids to be happy so I don’t understand why you would do this to me if you love me as much as you say you do. Mommy, why don’t you love me?
Parent: Would you like butter or margarine?
THE BRIBERY GAME (a.k.a. Indecent Proposal)
Kiddo: Mommy, when you were on the phone with Grandma, I heard you say Aunt Judy was ‘a conniving, Edward Scissorhands-looking bitch.’ What does ‘conniving’ mean?
Parent: Ohmygod. I need you to pretend you never heard that.
Kiddo: But that would be lying. Why do you want me to lie?
Parent: Because if you promise to never, ever repeat what I said about Aunt Judy, I will get you your own cell phone.
Kiddo: Make sure it has unlimited data. I will need to Google Edward Scissorhands.
Basically? If you thought the side effects of an epic Hour of Power were bad, just wait until your kiddo finds a photo from the ’99 Phish concert and asks if that’s a cigarette in your hand.
***See previous footnote.
© Calling All Cool Moms 2014