Picture it: December 23rd. You, on the living room floor, surrounded by unwrapped gifts. Ribbon wrapped around your leg. Eggnog in your coffee mug. The dog covered in glitter. Maybe your family wants to float Christmas to March?
Not this year. This year you will make it to the finish line with your sanity intact. Enter: The 12 Steps of Christmas.
12 Shots of Tequila. Every time your mother-in-law calls about her Christmas visit, asking if your sheets are 500 thread count, or your shampoo is sulfate-free, or your couch is going to be okay for you to sleep on because her ‘bad disc is acting up’ and she needs your bed.
11 Trips to Target. You need gifts for: your husband’s boss, the cleaning lady, every teacher at the elementary school because being partial to one might land your child in the sketchy reading group, the mailman, and your recycling guy (because he doesn’t judge you for the amount of wine bottles that crash into his dumpster every Wednesday morning).
10 Dozen Cookies. For the cookie exchange your book club organized, and No you cannot buy macarons from the new high-end bakery and claim they are yours, because everyone knows your baking skills begin and end with those little Rolo-pretzel-nut sandwiches that require no actual cooking.
9 Soul Cycle Classes. Because your stepchild is playing Wiseman #2 in the school Christmas play, and your husband’s ex-wife can’t know that you photoshop your head on random Victoria’s Secret Angels’ bodies for all your public Facebook posts.
8 New Pairs of Gloves. WHY DOES NOTHING MATCH IN THIS HOUSE?
7 Pinterest Boards. Whoever turned the Elf on the Shelf into a social media bragging contest should be strung up a flagpole, wrapped in Christmas lights, and forced to listen to a mob of toddlers crying because the elves ‘forgot’ to move last night and now there will be no Christmas presents.
6 Varieties of Milk. Who cares that your family drinks straight-up 2% from a cow? Your holiday guests will have a variety of dietary restrictions, and need to drink their coffee with almond, cashew, coconut, or even something called Hemp Milk which really maybe you should invest in if it puts the ‘special’ in ‘special brownies’?
5 New iPhones. The newest model offers literally zero new features other than a high-def camera, but your teenagers want that camera NOT to take beautiful family portraits, but endless selfies with a dog-faced filter that transforms their precious punim into Japanese anime instead of the adorable child bearing half your DNA.
4 Hallmark Movies. When your husband says he’s going to Home Depot for your gift, and the kids are in your bed with your mother-in-law, escape to the snow globe of sap: where a man with dimples and a Santa hat sends a golden retriever with an engagement ring to your lap on Christmas morning.
3 Photo Shoots. It is critical to shell out hundreds of dollars on your Christmas card, where your family is wearing all white and laughing while they make snow angels, so that you can achieve the ultimate goal: having all your friends wonder why your life is so much better than theirs.
2 Bottles of Nyquil. Because one gift keeps on giving every December: the flu.
1 Amazon Prime Membership. It does what no man can: fulfills your every need, jumps when you say jump, and doesn’t care that all of your interactions happen in your pajamas.
Merry Christmas to all of my wonderful readers! Much Love,
© Calling All Cool Moms 2017