1. Your child gets invited to a birthday party at a miniature golf course, where parent attendance is mandatory. Do you:
a) Stuff your pockets with cookies, put on your Sensible Mom Shoes, spread your arms, and wait for all the children to flock around you like the Apostles to Jesus.
b) Attend with a deer-in-headlights look, because chances are your child will end up elbow-deep in the cake, screaming that he wants presents too.
c) Before leaving the house, throw back a tequila shooter and tell your child: “Remember: a golf club can be used as a weapon in a pinch. On 3: No Bullies! Now go have fun and don’t get stolen. I’ll be dominating the Go-Karts.”
2. You watch as another kid pushes your child off the swings at the playground. Do you:
a) Approach the child’s mother with a John Rosemond article on child psychology, and suggest a lunch meeting for all parties to work out their differences.
b) Close your eyes and wait for your child to defend himself, while wondering if someone can file a restraining order against a 6 year old.
c) Tiptoe across the playground all ninja-like and whisper “There is no Santa Claus” to little Damien.
3. It’s time for Open House at your child’s school. Do you:
a) Arrive early, chat with the teacher about the curriculum, introduce yourself to the other parents, and take notes.
b) Put only your first name on your nametag, as you don’t want to be pre-judged for your child’s actions. Shake your head solemnly when disciplinary tactics are discussed.
c) Sit in the back row, avoiding eye contact and small talk. Spend most of the time silently judging the woman in front of you for wearing a scrunchie. Leave early when you get busted for texting your Bestie regarding said scrunchie.
d) (Only available in LA & NYC) While avoiding eye contact, use your iPhone’s facial recognition software to weed out any celebrity parents. Find their child’s name on the class roster, and promise your kid an iPad/petting zoo/ride on Airforce One if he can score an invite to their house.
4. While shopping at Target, your child has a supreme meltdown, laying on the floor and screaming “I haaaaaate youuuuuu!” Do you:
a) Sit down next to him, attempt to lock him in a soothing embrace, and explain that ‘hate’ is a term reserved for seriously disturbing entities, like Bachelorette contestants and Kelly Osborne’s hair.
b) Pick up the nearest red customer service phone, and announce “We have a Code 23 again. Smith child, electronics aisle. Jock straps highly recommended.”
c) Grab a copy of US Weekly and head to the next aisle over to see if Tom Cruise has been teleported to his Scientology-riffic kingdom in the sky.
5. Which TV Mom best represents you?
a) Clair Huxtable. No matter what mess her kids got into (Theo’s pierced ear! The Vanessa drinking episode!), Clair had a role-playing solution straight outta Parenting 101.
b) Home Improvement’s Jill Taylor. Her 3 boys put her through hell, and all she did was pout until they apologized.
c) Peggy Bundy. Not only does she fit that whole “The Bigger the Hair, the Closer to God” theory, but she tells her kids the honest truth and they respect her for it.
Mostly A: Calm down, Martha Stewart.
Mostly B: Invest in a leash, a therapist, or a boarding school.
Mostly C (& D): We are soulmates. Would you prefer the ‘BE FRI’ or the ‘ST ENDS’ half of the necklace?
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