I Suck at Being a Mom

I suck at being a mom. I put you to sleep on your stomach. I left you with a variety of babysitters, some with questionable morals. I forgot to pack your school lunch… on your birthday. Sometimes I fall asleep before I can say good night to you. Your socks never...

No Kids, No Shoes, No Service

I am obsessed with Beachfront Bargain Hunt.  It is a show on HGTV, where idiots show up on St. Thomas and tell a realtor “We are ready to buy our beachfront dream house!  Our budget is $250,000!”  And the realtor proceeds to show them a broom closet 10...

Pretty Little Lies

You know how after a bottle of wine, you become Wonder Woman?  Serious problems can be solved with a hug, you are braver than Moana, and hotter than Kendall.  Basically, you are a blind moron.   These Wonder Woman Wine Goggles are also bestowed upon us in a more...

Let’s Hear it for the Boy (Moms)

Twenty weeks.  The magic moment when a pregnant woman can find out the gender of Le Baby living the Kardashian life of private chefs and VIP travel accommodations inside her.  There is no wrong answer to this mystery – either way you are going to cry and be all...

Simply the Best

A curious, amazing thing happens when you give birth.  Even though your kid comes out looking like a raisin you squished under your shoe, you truly believe you delivered a genetically gifted Abercrombie model of a baby.  He is the next Steve Jobs.  She will become...