My Life with Anxiety

I couldn’t get out of the car. I needed a loaf of bread, so that my son’s routine of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch would not be interrupted. I had made it to the store, a miracle in itself, but could not get out of the car. My son stared at...

No Kids, No Shoes, No Service

I am obsessed with Beachfront Bargain Hunt.  It is a show on HGTV, where idiots show up on St. Thomas and tell a realtor “We are ready to buy our beachfront dream house!  Our budget is $250,000!”  And the realtor proceeds to show them a broom closet 10...

Identity Crisis

“Hi, I’m Cheryl.  My husband is a podiatrist.” I had just moved into my house and was trying to remove a stinkbug from the ceiling.  When Cheryl and her brownies knocked on my door, I was naked (the evil critter had fallen, and on the off-chance it...

The Poor House

Remember your first paycheck?  Mine was probably from a Mint Stand I hosted in my driveway circa 1987.  My parents could not afford lemonade, so I stole a bag of Lifesaver mints from the candy drawer and batted my eyelashes at the neighbors until they forked over a...

What a Pain

Every woman loves to tell the story of delivering her child into this world.  Not the joy of seeing that little alien face for the first time, but of the life-sucking, soul-crushing, mother-f*cking PAIN of the delivery.  We wear it like a badge.  When you have an...

The Ex Factor

Exes.  We all have ’em.  I don’t care if you’re blissfully married and in love (please, that’s an oxymoron once you’ve seen someone clip their toenails) with a collage of family stickers on the back of your minivan.  At some point, you...