What a Pain

Every woman loves to tell the story of delivering her child into this world.  Not the joy of seeing that little alien face for the first time, but of the life-sucking, soul-crushing, mother-f*cking PAIN of the delivery.  We wear it like a badge.  When you have an...

Bringing Sexyback

I am 5 feet 6 inches, and weigh as much as a newborn giraffe.*  I wasn’t always this way.  There was my high school phase (when eating Taco Bell every day after school was my fourth meal), and my college phase (when eating Taco Bell every night at 2am, as God...

Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down

“OHMYGOD what is in your bathroom?!” My sister is visiting, and I can only assume she found a) my crimping iron,  b) cellulite cream, or c) the earrings I stole from her circa 2007.  (Seriously though, crimping WILL come back in style and I will be leading...

Will You Accept This Rose?

Let’s be real here: I think the divorce rate is up to some crazy high percentage.  50%?  60%?  Basically, as you are walking down the aisle, half your guests are thinking “What’s the over/under on the longevity of this union?  And will there be...

How To Get Divorced

Remain graceful.  Expect people to murmur when you enter a room, their mouths stuck in tiny O’s of pity, their heads shaking ever so slightly.  They are all thinking the same thing:  Can you believe it?  They seemed so happy. And: Thank God it’s not me. Breathe....

Diary of a Friday Night

7:01 am – Wake up bursting with fruit flavor for the weekend.  Ready to party like Shannen Doherty circa 1995! 5:22 pm – Wonder why no one has texted an invitation for drinks.  Restart phone. 6:30 pm – Pour wine.  Google At what age do you become a...