Dear Pregnant Me,

First of all, quit freaking out. Yes, strangers will start touching your belly, and you will recite your due date so many times that you consider tattooing it across your abdomen.  That’s only the beginning.  There are SO many other things that no one will tell you about the next 10 months, including, but not limited to:

1) When it comes to pregnancy tests, buy brand name. I know, I know: they are expensive little things. But really? Is it worth the grief & confusion you feel when you pee on a generic stick, and the whole dang circle turns pink (rather than a nice, crisp double line)? Trust me, that Pink Circle of Doom will haunt you until you haul your butt out into a Michigan snowstorm and throw down $50 for 3 boxes of trustworthy EPTs (and a nice bottle of Pinot Noir, pending a negative result**).

2) 10 pounds of baby + 50 pounds of cheese fries = a 60-pound pregnancy.

3) You know how everyone is telling you: “Get some sleep now, while you still can!”?  Do not laugh it off, or complain that the size of your pregnant belly is already keeping you up at night. Because once that kid is born? You will weep with joy at the idea of 3 solid hours of shuteye.  (Sidenote: Don’t even think that your college all-nighters will have prepared you for this.  That was beer-soaked adrenaline.  This is tear-soaked desperation.)

4) Do not try to shave your legs– or anything else below your stomach– after month seven. Your husband will not know what to do with a very pregnant, very naked woman holding a razor and crying. (And your never-been-uncomfortably-pregnant sister will say: “You want me to help you do WHAT??”  Sidenote: Six years later, my sister still carries this pregnant photo of me around on her cell phone.  Whether for birth control, or just inspiration when the urge for cheese fries strikes, I’ll never know.***)  No, you will not want to embrace the hair. But chances are, the only person coming close enough to your legs is your husband. And when that charming moment rolls around (read: when the doctor says it’s a surefire way to make the baby come out), you will be so concerned about logistics and physics and balance that you won’t give your legs a second thought.

5)  Do not, under any circumstances, watch The Notebook while home alone in month seven.  Three hours later, you will still be crying and sniffling, “Why can’t someone love ME like that?!”

So take these months to enjoy the attention from everyone (especially your husband).  This time next year, you will Meltdown in the Target parking lot because the last time he opened the car door for you was the day you went to the hospital to give birth.  And speaking of that birth?  Beg for a C-Section.

Waiting for you with an umbrella drink.

–J.

**Or a weak moment in month 9 when your husband decides to remove ALL the furniture from the house to “Remodel… You know, for the baby.”

***This super-flattering photo was taken one week before giving birth.  I’m not sure how someone snapped a photo of me standing up, since at this point I was permanently parked on the couch à la Jabba the Hut.

© Copyright 2011 Calling All Cool Moms.