7:01 am – Wake up bursting with fruit flavor for the weekend.  Ready to party like Shannen Doherty circa 1995!

5:22 pm – Wonder why no one has texted an invitation for drinks.  Restart phone.

6:30 pm – Pour wine.  Google At what age do you become a Cougar?  Erase search history.

6:42 pm – Restart phone.

7:13 pm – Pour more wine.  Wonder why wine isn’t served with a Short or Tall option, à la draft beer.  Search house for a bigger glass.  Settle for an oversize coffee mug.  Congratulate self on genius Wine Mug business plan: The Wug.

Cheers!

The Wug (All Rights Reserved, baby!)

7:15 pm – Update Facebook status: Friday Night Roxxxx lol jk but at least I have my Wug!©  Stalk ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, ex-cheerleaders, ex-roommates, and ex-celebrities to confirm they have all pulled a Val Kilmer.

7:34 pm – Log onto iTunes.

7:35 pm – Tweet Selena Gomez lyrics: Who says you’re not star potential?  Who says you’re not Presidential?  Does everyone realize this chick is an inspirational genius?

8:06 pm – No Likes on Facebook status.  UnFriend 36 people.

8:07 pm – Restart f*#$-ing phone.

8:28 pm – Wine bottle is empty.  Take multiple selfies: me + wine bottle, classic duckface, me + The Wug.

This Selfie brough to you by: Gnarly Head Red Zin.

This Selfie brought to you by: Gnarly Head Red Zin.

8:44 pm – Send a group text to your besties: I Love You Like A Love Song!!!

8:45 pm – Realize that ‘Heidi’ & ‘Hot Doc’ are alarmingly close in your contact list.  Your pediatrician is probably staring at his phone and wondering when the 2 of you started dating.

8:46 pm – Change ‘Hot Doc’ to ‘FUN WITH STETHOSCOPE’ in your contacts to prevent future text-barrassment.

9:00 pm – Find The Notebook on ABC Family.  Turn off cell phone and throw it in the freezer, because obviously no one will ever love you like Ryan Gosling.

9:22 pm – Retrieve phone from freezer, update Facebook: I’m no beauty queen, I’m just beautiful me!  Place phone on pillow right next to head, in case of surprise Notebook-type confessional from Hot Doc.

9:45 pm – Take half an Ambien, turn off TV, and restart your (clearly broken) phone.

© Calling All Cool Moms 2013