Twenty weeks. The magic moment when a pregnant woman can find out the gender of Le Baby living the Kardashian life of private chefs and VIP travel accommodations inside her. There is no wrong answer to this mystery – either way you are going to cry and be all ‘awwww we’re having a [girrrrrrrrl boyyyyyyyy twinnnnnnnns]!’ No one has ever seen their ultrasound or been hit in the face with a wad of gender-reveal confetti and thought “Damn. I want a refund.”
My 20-week ultrasound (because I hate surprises, and because this was before people started releasing pink and blue Malaysian butterflies trained to flap their wings in gender-revealing morse code) informed us that we were having a BOY. My Baby Daddy jumped up so forcefully that he knocked over the ultrasound tech and launched himself at me for a chest (belly?) bump. We both shouted “We never have to pay for a wedding!” so loudly that when the tech muttered “assholes” from the floor, we barely even heard.
Not cashing out your 401k for a wedding (when, let’s be honest, they will be divorced in 5 years), is not the only Boy Mom perk. We never have to teach someone to use a tampon through the closed bathroom door of a Miami Beach hotel room, and our little boys will never throw a curling iron at us when we refuse to let them spend prom night at a hotel. **
In the first decade with your Sweet Prince, the only thing that might come between you is your need to live tweet The Bachelor during his Orchestra concert. Your life is a movie montage of walks in the park and movie dates and snuggles while Just the Two of Us plays in the background! You are tighter than Beyoncé and Jay-Z! Until that wretched day he leaves you for another woman/bitch/golddigger/inadequate floozy.*** At that point, goodbye Bey and hello Girl who got kicked out of Destiny’s Child that no one remembers. (Sidenote: She totally sued them for writing Survivor about her, but suing your son just to get his attention will not get you invited to his wedding.)
The first Christmas morning your Darling Boy has a serious girlfriend, you may end up alone in bed, watching Love Actually and using his baby stocking to absorb your tears. But a few years later, when you are sitting at his nuptials in Hawaii with a reception rivaling a Jay Gatsby soirée, just think how good it will feel to look at the Bride’s parents and smugly say “Here’s a check for the rehearsal dinner.”
** What? it wasn’t like it was still hot! But that Miami lifeguard sure was.
*** I know a mother who refers to any woman her son dates as a ‘Baby-Stealing Hussy.’ Her son is 40.
© Calling All Cool Moms 2017