Remember when you were little, and prayed for a Snow Day? You woke up at dawn to listen to the radio or watch the news to see if the Angels of Precipitation would grant you a day away from school. You bundled up and headed outside to sled or build a snowman, and your mother would have hot chocolate waiting for you when you finally came inside.
Today? Kids get Snow Days because it is cold outside. They get a text message the night before, so they can skip doing homework and sleep until noon. Their weather app tells them they will get frostbite if they spend more than 8 minutes outdoors, and their health app says hot chocolate is full of carcinogens or cows milk or arsenic. The wait for the school bus is the only fresh air these kids get all year, and yet school is cancelled because they might have to wear a parka and no one will see their Hollister hoodies.
I get it. It’s totally freezing out there and it hurts to breathe. But there is no bus service for my kid – he gets chauffeured there like a tiny Russian Czar, and dropped at the front door with barely 4 seconds of exposure to precipitation, ice, or reality. He then sits in a classroom where he is totally oblivious to the temperature (“Was it too cold in your classroom yesterday? You can wear 2 shirts if you want.” “I dunno. Is this one of your rants about how my clothes need to match?”), until he is escorted home in the same Dictator-esque fashion that he arrived. Armageddon could strike us with a deluge of acid rain, and his only question would be whether or not the WiFi was effected.
Sure, some of our kids do have to wait for the bus. But have you seen bus routes these days? I was behind a school bus recently, and it dropped kids off at EVERY DRIVEWAY on the street. Like, these kids can’t walk 80 feet to the next driveway? Please. I’ve seen kids sprint the length of a football field to find a Pokemon. I’m pretty sure that if they had to catch the bus in zero degree weather, the driver would sit at the end of your drive, roll out a red carpet, and maybe raise up an electric heater in pure Lion King fashion as he walked up the bus steps.
I have heard some stay-at-home-moms talk about how much they love Snow Days, and this does not compute. While not a SAHM, I do work from home and I can promise you this: my child does not need to know that I eat Gummi Bears for breakfast and spend my lunch break watching the Kardashians. The whole reason they go to school is so that we can shield them from what really goes on in Adultland. It is so much easier to watch 8 episodes of Vanderpump Rules without tiny, judgy eyes on you. And if you are a working mom? Fuhgeddaboudit. Get ready to zip your kid into a suitcase to smuggle him into the office with you, slap a bag of Cheetos into his hands, and tell him if anyone asks, he is a vertically challenged vending machine repair man.
Yes, Snow Days come with the perks of sleeping in and avoiding the carpool. And if you’re a teacher, these days are better than brunch with Beyoncé. But as my son reads this over my shoulder, complaining, “I’m bored, the wifi keeps hiccuping,” I can safely say: buy some organic hot cocoa and pray for Spring.
© Calling All Cool Moms 2017