Moms.  Love us, hate us, judge all 85 million of us.  We are judging each other, and we are the harshest critics.  Welcome to the Mommy Jungle.

Perfect Mommy – Her toddler’s last birthday party was Princess Kate themed, and promised a Skype session with The Duchess herself.  Soul may have been sold for Instagram followers long ago.  Posts social media pictures of her family in color coordinated ensembles eating a 4-course meal at a Fixer Upper farmhouse table with captions like Easy peasy lemon squeezy! Who says women can’t do it all LOL!

Bitchy Mommy – Won’t hold your baby because she is busy holding a grudge.  She has no problem telling you she can’t watch your kids or join your carpool, and screwyouverymuch she doesn’t want to hear about your baby being up all night because if you’re not smart enough to hire a night nurse and Ambien yourself into NeverLand, she doesn’t want to be your friend. 

Earthy Mommy – Uses cloth diapers and bathes her child in rain water imported from the Peruvian jungle.  Only feeds her kids Non-GMO Organic Gluten-Free Nut-Free Flavor-Free pellets she bought from a Shaman on Etsy, whose Seller’s Note said they were grown in heaven by Jesus Himself and were transported to Earth when lightning struck the local field.

PTA Mommy – Can be found in your email, daily.  She guards the teacher like a Yorkie on a caffeine bender.  Your science fair project can’t compete with her son’s because even though everyone knows she does all the work, she tells everyone he is “Gifted, like Mark Zuckerburg Gifted.” The only gift you want to give her is the middle finger when she tells you all the field trip chaperone spots have been taken.

Prozac Mommy – Hasn’t raised her voice above Middle C since the delivery room. The only time she tells her kids ‘no’ is when it’s embedded in the phrase ‘no one cares’.  Her kids can be found in the backyard, calling each other ‘shit for brains’ and trying to get the dog to sit still as they light his tail on fire, while she mutters ‘Wait til your father gets home’  from her King-sized Tempur-Pedic habitat. 

Fitness Mommy – Bought her baby a FitBit to see how many calories are burned while crying.  Last seen attending a week-long yoga retreat to improve her aura, because she accidentally touched french fries at the country club marathon after-party. She goes to Target wearing a sports bra, and her lack of a muffin top makes you want to head to Lawn & Garden to fill a kiddie pool with Reese Cups and drown in peanut butter tears.  

Business Mommy – Successfully billed 12 hours to the client while in labor, until nurses confiscated her laptop.  Her Administrative Assistant is godmother to her 3 kids.  Has convinced a doctor that the phrase “Stay at Home Dad” gives her anxiety, so that when she tells people her husband is a CHOOCH (Caring Husband Overseeing Offspring’s CHildhood), she is medically obligated to refer to him as such.

Who am I?  Well, out of 85 million, I’m friends with maybe 3 of you and I’ve never watched your kids.  Just call me Queen of the Jungle.

© Calling All Cool Moms 2017