Remember your first paycheck? Mine was probably from a Mint Stand I hosted in my driveway circa 1987. My parents could not afford lemonade, so I stole a bag of Lifesaver mints from the candy drawer and batted my eyelashes at the neighbors until they forked over a quarter for one measly mint. (In hindsight, that sort of markup was genius, and my future as a pyramid scheme savant could only have gone south due to my eventual ugly phase.**) As soon as I earned enough mint money, I rode my bike to the gas station, bought 5 packs of Juicy Fruit, and chewed myself into a case of borderline-diabetes by dinnertime.
Fast forward 30 years, and while my penchant for sugar still rages (see: wine), I now spend my paycheck on more grown-up things. Unless your daddy started a hedge fund or you were smart enough to marry a 60 year-old billionaire with one foot in the grave, you rely on payday to support your obsessions. Example? My generation is obsessed with building homes. There must be a biological clock that goes off for the Almost-40 crowd, and it’s like they all black out and become Nancy Meyers zombies that must have a brand-spanking-new piece of real estate erected*** in their name.
Whether it’s Juicy Fruit or a Fixer Upper, we all have our vices that lead us to the Poor House.
MOTTO: Want to see my pre-approval letter?
OFTEN FOUND: In a freshly built house, sitting on an old beanbag from college. Typically snuggling a box of Franzia and sweating like a Hot Yoga addict because she can’t afford to turn on the AC.
MOTTO: Condoms are for teenagers.
OFTEN FOUND: In a 1992 conversion van, on the way to soccer, ballet, and violin. Typically snuggling her useless Bachelor’s degree and fantasizing about meals that don’t include peanut butter.
MOTTO: Can I get an upgrade?
OFTEN FOUND: At a 5-star resort, relaxing in a butler-drawn bath while a personal chef prepares dinner on the balcony. Typically snuggling a passport and Googling ‘Where does Beyoncé like to stay in the Maldives?’
**Puberty until age 30.
*** Heh. Never not funny.
© Calling All Cool Moms 2017